(Warning: This may be TMI.)
Every mom has a plan for feeding their baby – breastfeeding or formula feeding. Those were my options, and I was pretty set on breastfeeding. My plan was to prepare my body as much as possible so that I would have enough milk for my baby. I looked up lactation boosting foods and lactation cookies on Pinterest (they’re a thing, and they’re awesome) and even made some a few days before I gave birth. I had a boppy and some nursing bras and a ton of disposable nursing pads (don’t get them! buy washable ones! they are so itchy!) and I’d looked up feeding schedules. I thought I was prepared. I hadn’t gotten a pump through my insurance because it was kind of a pain and I figured I wasn’t going to need it for at least a few months.
Pumping was not part of my plan. I had considered taking a breastfeeding class but someone close to me told me that “breastfeeding was the most natural thing in the world” and that it was a waste of money.
So when I gave birth to my sweet baby boy and he didn’t immediately latch, I was too exhausted from pushing for almost four hours (!!) to realize that something was off. I didn’t know how much work the baby was supposed to do and how much I was supposed to do. And then the nightmare began.
The nurse would bring the baby in to see me and would help me position him the correct way. She would shove my boob in his mouth and he would cry and bite down and pull away from me. He didn’t want anything to do with it. We tried using a nipple shield and got the same result. The lactation consultant at the hospital had me express some colostrum and when there was blood in it, she told me casually that bleeding was normal.
I didn’t know that my nipples were not supposed to bleed. I didn’t think that the nurse should be shoving my baby’s head onto my boob but I didn’t tell her to leave me alone. All I knew was that something was not right because he wasn’t eating – not just that, but he didn’t want to eat. The moment he got close to my breast he started pulling away.
Mathias was born 7 lbs 13 oz on Tuesday, July 5th 2016 a little after 2 pm. We left the hospital in the morning of Thursday, July 7th after scrambling to get the insurance to cover the breast pump *in case* I needed it, and with the advice of the lactation consultant, who said to “try” to feed Mathias every two hours, and if he didn’t eat, then just try again later. He was an extremely sleepy baby who didn’t want to eat, and my husband convinced me to pump on Friday morning so that I wouldn’t lose my milk. When we took him to the pediatrician on Saturday, who had seen him at the hospital a little over a day before, she told us that he had lost too much weight and that if we didn’t get him to gain weight in 24 hours that she would send us to the hospital.
Now, that pediatrician was an idiot and I’m extremely happy that we switched pediatricians shortly afterwards, but she really scared us. We found a lactation consultant who told us that Mathias had a tongue and lip tie and an asymmetric head. We started going to a chiropractor two to three times a week (she was actually really awesome). We went to an ENT specialist who told us that his tongue tie was pretty slight and that his lip tie would just grow back so he couldn’t do anything about it (I still kind of wish we went to get a second opinion). We spent several days exclusively finger feeding Mathias and weighing him after every feeding.
He still refused to breastfeed. Friends with the best of intentions gave me advice on what and what not to do. Some said to not give him a bottle because then he wasn’t going to breastfeed later – that went out the window. We gave him a bottle and were super happy that he was actually eating, even if it was half an ounce or one ounce at a time. One friend told me to use a nipple shield and that maybe he’d learn to latch that way. He ended up learning to latch and I am super grateful to that friend for her advice, but it didn’t end there.
Mathias finally latched without a shield when he was almost two months old. I couldn’t believe it. After two months of pumping – TWO WHOLE FRIGGING MONTHS OF FEELING LIKE A LITERAL COW – I was going to be free!
But that was not the case. It was at this same time that Mathias stopped gaining weight at a normal pace. All of a sudden, he stopped gaining weight. He went several days. Then over a week. And I realized that just because he learned to latch didn’t mean he was actually eating enough.
Because of his tongue and lip ties, however slight they were, and because of allergies that have yet to be determined (this is another story for another post, but I’ve been off of dairy and soy for four months and the new GI I’m seeing thinks that Mathias is also intolerant to something else too) it was a lot of work for Mathias to eat and eating hurts him. It seemed like the more he breastfed, the more slowly he gained. think that this is because he was only drinking foremilk – I always had to pump after – so I made a decision to stop trying to breastfeed.
When I first started pumping I really, really hated it. It was unnatural! It was uncomfortable! How could I do this for an extended period of time? I complained about the breast shields – um, why is it that they’re cold, hard plastic? If men had to pump they’d have invented a better version a long time ago (or they would just not bother pumping at all…). Sex toys have come a long way, right? Can I hire some sex toy company to make me some silicone breast shields that don’t make me feel I’m hooking myself up to some medieval device that feels like it’s yanking my nipples off? (Apparently, Naya has created a hospital pump that does just that, but it’s not covered by insurance and its $999! I’d give my right boob for that pump!).
At first, pumping hurt and because I had a baby that didn’t latch well, lots of doctors appointments and an overall busy life I had many, many issues with leaking and engorgement. I managed to not get stretch marks my whole pregnancy but got them afterwards. So. Un. Fair.
I was (and still am) so jealous of so many women who had (or seemed to have) no problems breastfeeding. It’s been five and a half months and while I’ve slowed down a lot, I’m still pumping enough to feed my baby.
Back to Naya – they made a video envisioning an alternate reality where men breastfed. If you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here. I thought it was pretty funny but other women have been upset/offended by it.
Here’s the thing. I have pumped everywhere – in the car, on planes, in countless public restrooms and hotels and friends’ bedrooms. I’ve used a manual pump, a battery pack (which saved me in Bahrain when my pump blew a fuse!), the car adapter. Multiple times I’ve had men look at me through the window curiously because I’ve forgotten to cover up (I mean, really…). At first I was so embarrassed and I felt totally degraded and humiliated because honestly, the pump is bad enough, but then to have to go pump in a tiny dark bathroom in a bar or on a plane was just depressing. And I felt like a total inconvenience to anyone I spent time with because I was on a clock and I’d have to leave to go pump for ten to twenty minutes. I felt like my whole day was consumed by feeding – because Mathias is so underweight, he still eats like a newborn. He eats every two hours and I have to bottle feed him and pump and wash all my parts and bottles. Sometimes I look back on my day and I’m like, how did the whole day go by?! What did I even do? Oh, right….pump.
But you know what, pumping has served its purpose. I’ve been able to feed my baby and stockpile a lot of milk in my freezer. And a lot of women just can’t pump! This is something I learned afterwards. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to pump and make as much milk as I do.
I’m trying to get Mathias to switch to formula because of the new development with allergies – there’s only so much I can take out of my diet AND try to keep up with pumping – but he is really not a fan. Even though this formula is made specifically for babies with allergies and if he does make the transition he should stop having tummy aches! We will see how long it takes since I’ve been trying for a month already with very little progress. It took me a long time to come around to the idea of formula because formula was never in my “game plan” and I’ve always believed that breast is best.
I think that what really got me to come around was a conversation with a stranger in the Denver Airport when Mathias was two months old. She was another young woman about my age, with a son a little bit older than mine. We started talking and when we got up to leave she told me – “Remember, there is nothing wrong with formula.”
This phrase has come back to me over and over again. I have always felt like there was some sort of stigma attached to formula feeding, like other people (not even just moms) judge you when they see you feeding your baby with a bottle. I’ve experienced this first hand just with feeding pumped milk and have gotten some really looks of disbelief, like I didn’t try hard enough or I must not know what I’m doing. Like I’m a worse mother because I am bottle feeding my baby. But it’s not true. I would be a worse mother if I kept trying to breastfeed my baby because MY son has issues gaining weight! I don’t have some super hungry chubby baby who guzzles five ounces at a time (I’m happy when he eats three!). Would it be better if I breastfed and let him only take in foremilk? I don’t think so. What’s best for my child is not what is best for other children, and (hopefully!) my future children will not have the same issues that Mathias has!
I am ready to breakup with my pump, but Mathias isn’t ready yet, so I will keep pumping until he is. If that means pumping in a car or a plane or a tiny little Harry Potter bedroom under the stairs, so be it. I am giving my time, my energy and my dignity for my child, and if that isn’t motherhood, I don’t know what is.
NERD MAMA 